Horoscopes starting 4.5.2018

    Gods, what lies I have heard!
    Our courtiers say all’s savage but at court.

Imogen in Shakespeare’s
Cymbeline (IV.ii.32-3)

Yeah, and all savage at court, too?

Horoscopes starting 4.5.2018



Aries The Ram

The truck was simple enough: a headache rack with a ladder. License plate was a vanity tag, just read, “PEST.” In smaller print, across the tailgate, “You got ’em, we get ’em.” My inner grammar geek recoils. “If you have them, then we get them;” or, better yet, a simpler, “You got them; we get them.” Really shouldn’t be joining two independent clauses with only a comma. Yes, I know, before you make noises about my own, appalling grammar, at least I make a concerted effort to connect the right parts to the correct pieces. You know, I make an effort. The rest of the ad, though, think about it, here it is, just starting to warm up and who would be more popular than the bug guys? Besides, the “You got them; we get them” statements work well enough to convey the image without too much toxicity. Not “Kill them dead,” or similar statements, just a manner of letting folks know that the business of getting moving critters out of one’s immediate surroundings is best left to experts like the guy. Or company. I never saw any more, and I lost interest. Yes, happy birthday Aries, and yes, there are some still bugs that need to be worked out. It’s not so much “bad,” as we just need to get some of the bugs out. Pest control, is what this birthday is about. Pest control, one form, or another.



The Bull

I used to call them “Tea Lights,” little candles that about an inch in diameter, only half an inch — or less — deep, and originally? Encased in light, pot-metal holder of some type. The secret way to use these? Get a small cup or dish, can be almost as shallow as the candle itself, but wider, and put a handful of coffee beans in there. For ideas like this? I use super-cheap, grocery-store brand beans. Should be whole bean, but don’t need to use good stuff. Cheap, off-brand, non-artisanal coffee works fine. Whole bean.

I use a tiny, fine-china tea cup with a lacy saucer. Coffee beans about two-thirds of the way up, maybe two tablespoons of coffee beans, and then the little tea candle nestled, resting in the beans, level with the surface of the beans. One, even layer, right?

What happens, the candle burns down and heats the metal. The metal heats the beans, gently, not too warm, but warm enough to unleash that aromatic blend of coffee without having to roast coffee. One former girlfriend was trying this with the plastic version of the candles and it just doesn’t work as well. The metal heats up the beans, not roasting, not a fire hazard, just enough to unlock the smell.

Taurus: It’s super simple, easy to do and covers up a host of sins. Anything to help, that’s me. Anything to help along the Taurus week. Covering up may not fix anything, but maybe, this isn’t the week to fix, just cover up the smell until we can locate the source.



The Twins

Odd fact, at one time, San Antonio outpaced Austin, friendly rivalry here, but my now native San Antonio had more renewable energy sources than Austin. Funny factoid for the allegedly greenest city in America. I haven’t checked lately, so I can neither deny nor confirm the veracity of the statements, now.

The friendly rivalry is weird, at best, as I have a foot in both places, and yet, I feel like I’m stranger, in both places. Lots of kin folks up Austin way; some family around me in San Antonio, now.

Why solar isn’t more common, I don’t understand. Where I live, there are too many trees, too shaded, but why more of my neighbors don’t have passive solar arrays? I don’t get it.

Left pondering this concept, is what we’re left with in Gemini, and I don’t know if this is about solar power panels on your Gemini roof, or some other item that makes you wonder why it isn’t more common. While I offer no solution or answer, this is a week about pondering the imponderable.


The Crab - the Moonchild

The Crab

There are a ton of minor annoyances in the World of the Moon Child, due, no doubt, to Mercury or Mars. Or both, that’s possible, too. With that annoyance, though, there is a suggestion for a cure. A way to avoid some of the problems that the week presents.

Earphones. Ear buds, headphones, “in-ear headphones,” I’ve seen these all called a number of different names, but the result is the same, something that makes it possible to listen to the TV, the movie, the music, by yourself. The better units, and not even expensive ones, but some of the better ones have “Noise Cancelling Technology,” but the last set I had like that? Nothing more than wired/wireless earbuds that I would stick in my ear. Sealed off outside noises.

“Noise Cancelling Technology,” turns out, is nothing more than an updated earplug.

Whatever works, am I right?

Perfect example of how this works? Girlfriend, in bed next to me, she wants to watch a soap opera I have zero interest in watching. Pops in earbuds. We are both very happy, and I’m not annoyed by the show, and she’s not annoyed with me asking questions about why a character is doing something to another character, none of whom I care about. No annoyances, works well for everyone.

Cancer: the Moon Child’s answer to this weeks problem? Earbuds. Earphones. Headphones. One of those, or something like it, right?

The Leo

The Leo

The Leo

The sign runs something along the lines of the Texas Department of Public Safety (highway patrol)? The signs at the entrance to Texas, along the major arteries? “Drive Friendly, it’s the Texas way.”

While not entirely true, it’s is a friendly warning, and as such, I’m accustomed to driving with a certain amount of space between me and the vehicle in front of me. I found, in stop-and-go traffic, that allowing some extra space, maybe one to three car lengths? Along a little extra space allows me to coast along when other cars are starting, stopping, and hammering on the steering wheel, or making decidedly unfriendly gestures.

That extra space is not conducive to proper, inner-city, rush-hour driving. However, it’s safer for me, and I’m not concerned that the other drivers are upset, as I coast along instead of stopping and going and stopping again.

For The Leo? Leave a little extra space in front of you. Yes, more than one person will cut in front, but we don’t care, got that? You don’t have to be “first” to be the best. And as The Leo? You are the best. Leave a little extra room, even if it isn’t fashionable. Might save on emotional wear-and-tear, as well as prevent someone else’s mistake from impacting your fine Leo self.

Little extra room for the other guys, got it? Little extra room for them.



The Virgin

Tech support is one of my least favorite tasks. Are you with me on this one? Or, as a Virgo, do you like availing yourself of the phone tree, the online “smart” engines, the “DIY videos,” and whatever resources there are? Me? I want it to work right, the first time, and what I can’t get to work correctly, the first time? I want there to be a clear path to get answer without having to avail myself of tech support.

Get an image I am no fan of tech support in any way, shape, or form?

Crap. I’m starting to sound like a cranky old man.

For the Virgo days ahead, though? Tech support, in one of its many guises, “tech support” is what you want.

I was so very fortunate, the last two calls have been good; the person on the other end didn’t treat me like an imbecile who made a “user error,” what I used to refer to as a “One D ten T” call. Don’t make me spell it out.

So that was twice but this week ahead, looks like there will be another “tech support” call I’ll be forced to make, and since I’m good on the last two, this might not go so well. It’s that Virgo thing, where we get upset because we seemed to be asking a stupid question, but, as I’ll point out, if I knew the answer, I wouldn’t be asking the question, and tech support, it is your job to provide me with an answer while not making me feel like a stupid dolt. Especially when the original problem is “user error.”



The Scales

There are barriers — erected by your own Libra mind — this week’s planets are about a gentle form of coercion. Not force, and not a hammer, but a gentler form of urging, negotiating, and whispering. Instead of grabbing a hammer with a metal face, and banging on the problem in front of Libra? No, not a hammer, but a gentle nudge. A hint, a whisper, perhaps some gentle pressure with the palm of the Libra hand instead of banging away with the heel of the palm? Maybe a little rap on the side instead of hitting it with a hammer?

I kept getting an image of the jar with a lid screwed on too tight. The hammer? That will shatter the glass. Goal of getting to contents achieved, but not in the timely, efficient Libra way.

That same jar? Like problems facing the Libra week ahead? What I do, and I’ll pass this on as our “Household Hints” series, I guess, but what I do is upend the jar and smack it’s bottom with an open palm. Not too hard, as it glass, and if that went wrong, it would be a bloody mess.

So this week calls for a gentle, Libra nudge, preferably with an open hand, and preferably, delivered in gentle fashion. Hammers are good for many tasks, but this week’s Libra really doesn’t need it hammered home.




I got used to Farmer’s Market veggies and seriously farm-fresh eggs. Kind of got spoiled, really, using the fresh produce and fresh eggs. What I discovered, though, with this new diet plan? The produce and eggs varied, like, a lot. No two tomatoes were ever the same size. No two tomatoes were ever the same size, shape, or color. Close in some cases, but no two ever matched. Unlike, store-bought, factory-farm raised produce, the stuff really from the ground is different. Likewise, with the eggs. I used to get these eggs from some young farmers working the old family land, and the eggs were delicious. Free-range, organic, all-natural, no antibodies, and no hormones. However, each egg was a different size, each egg was a different shape, and each egg varied in coloration. Some were almost sky blue, to deep russet to variations on cream and white colors, all with, or without “egg freckles.” None were ever pure white.

Scorpio: to be healthy, to eat better, to embrace this week’s planets? Remember that no two are ever exactly alike. It’s that simple. Farm-fresh sure, but no two are exactly alike.

“But I wanted it to be just exactly like it was!”




The art of writing a “blurb” is nearly lost, now. As a Sagittarius myself, I know how to do this. Part of what we have to watch for, though, is that usual “judicious” editing that can occur. I’m sure I’ve used this kind of an example before, but the reviewer wrote about how, the thing being reviewed was a book, “It was totally a waste of time, two hours I’ll never get back, not worth the effort!”

Now, the edited version?

“It was totally … worth the effort!”

Yeah, fancy bit of cut and paste that results in what we want, not what was really said. Intent and content are altered.

In my own, immediate family, we would call that facts. My own, immediate family is not always known for probity in discourse.

Let’s flip this around, because Mercury in Retrograde, you know. What’s highly probable is that a convenient blurb shows up in our feeds, digital, hard copy, some way. The alluring words, the way it’s phrased, the obvious use of ellipses? Watch for that. While, technically, true? Seriously, is this an example of intent gone way far from its original destination?

Remember, Sagittarius, it’s all about the “Art of the Blurb,” for now.



The Sea Goat

Despite Mars and his Saturnine collusion, there’s still abundant energy loose upon the Capricorn psyche. There’s a restless energy, too, and that’s one — it is a benefit to give that restless energy a direction. Or, given that Mercury is Retrograde in Aries? Give that restless energy about three possible outlets, all at once.

This is my third cup of coffee, or third tumbler full of a caffeine-laden beverage that makes me a little jittery. What I do? What I’m suggesting for Capricorn? Get a short list of short chores that need a small amount of action. Not big tasks, small goals, individually wrapped, so there isn’t a single, big task.

All I’m going to do is straighten up one bookshelf, not clean up the whole library. Got it? Then, with these disparate tasks all done, eventually, it looks like you were Capricornapproved productive in a single day, although, be fair, the individual tasks themselves weren’t that big of a deal. Break it up and break down. Goes faster that way.



The Water Bearer

Family is family, and the family we are born into has much to do with who we are. Within my own family there is a definite “trust issue,” omnipresent. Not that I don’t trust my own family, but over the years, I’ve learned that what they say they will do, and then, what they actually do? Two different outcomes. So when “family,” and as an Aquarius, you have to arrive at your own definition of what “family” is, but I’m suggesting extra caution around what family claims it will do for you.

Some days, the family, or family member, will perform exactly as stated. However, given the exigent circumstances, planets and all, “family” is likely to say one thing, make an outrageous claim, and then spin on their heels, and do the opposite. Or not do anything, even though action was promised. Can’t complain about being let down, or led astray, or being let down and led astray by family — I warned you.

Remember, the term, “Family” has a highly mutable definition, individually, but family is the culprit.

Best Aquarius expression this week?

“I’ll take that under advisement.”

(No action required.)



The Fishes

“That pie was made with love.”

It was an apple pie, think it was homemade, but the slogan, I think I lifted that from some local marketing. However, as I was watching Pisces, and listening to the music of the spheres, I liked that little plug.

“That pie was made with love.”

Goes a long way in explaining how I feel, and how Pisces feels, at this time, times being what they are, am I right?

“That pie was made with love.”

It can be interpreted as either a sincere statement, or it can be interpreted as dripping with sarcasm and irony. While, with Pisces, I prefer the sincere version, as this week plods forward at its dependable pace, remember that hand-lettered sign, remember the sentiment and recall the feeling. Pause and think about it, too, are they sincere, or is this irony?

“That pie was made with love.”

I do know that I add a special sauce that includes a sprinkling of “love” on top of every Pisces horoscope.

“That pie was made with love.”



About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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