Horoscopes for 7.25.2019

And shall have your will, because our king.
Yet hasty marriage seldom proveth well.

    Gloucester in Shakespeare’s Henry 6.3 4.1.17-8
Portable Mercury Retrograde

Happy Birthday to The Leo! (As if.)

Horoscopes for 7.25.2019

Moon/Sun in Leo, July 31, 10:12 PM (New Moon), Venus enters Leo, July 27, 8:54 PM. Officially? Mercury goes direct July 31, 10:57 PM. All times local.

The Leo

The Leo
I own a crapload of swimming trunks. This goes back to living in a trailer park in old South Austin, where I could swim in the creek every day, and fish all afternoon. I eventually hit upon some “River Guide Shorts” of one brand or another, and they were perfect. Shorts, but with mesh pockets and the cargo pockets all had grommeted drain holes. Perfect. To this day, I have never matched those shorts quite as well.

I was in two weddings while wearing those shorts. I traveled to Europe in them. All over Texas, and on some occasions, swimming. It wasn’t too unreasonable to expect me to hop off a plane in Austin in the morning snd be swimming in the creek and fishing by the evening. Eventually, the original shorts wore out, and they were “recycled.” Since then, I have yet to find anything remotely close to that. But I keep trying. I was got thinking about all those swimming suits, they all look about the same, and I stopped working long enough to fold them up, neatly, and then stack them in order of what I will wear next. Or not wear. On the bottom? Least likely because they are scratchy, uncomfortable, or look bad. Too big, too small. On top, the couple of pair I use when I go fishing. I didn’t sort through the whole closet. I didn’t address anything but swimming suits — typically used for fishing. Folded them up and stuck back in the closet. It’s a small gesture, but even the smallest gestures have immediate result, I walk out of the closet, and phone rings, “Hey, Mercury is Retrograde, want to fish?”


One “professional associate,” and I would use that term with a bit of eye-roll, but one of the folks I know, tangentially, from business? Had this great idea, a massage pillow, heating pad, crossover thing. Sewed some kind of beans or rocks into a pillow along with some padding, and called it a massage heating pad pillow. The instructions were simple, moisten the pad, pop the pillow/pad into a microwave for a few minutes, or until steamy, then apply warm pressure as needed to the the afflicted area. Cool idea.

It’s not the first one I’ve seen. I think one of the kiosks in the mall sells something similar. I know my own Sister, when she was busy being “crafty,” she made something like that and gave them as xmas gifts. Then, there’s also the problem with cloth, the filling, the stuffing, and the instructions, as it would be easy too burn oneself after leaving it in the nuke too long. Virgo is awash with cool ideas, but follow-up with some research before starting production. Is it the first, is it rare, is it safe? What are the product liabilities? “Man, I was just making a few of these at home, for family and friends,” and some for sale to the public. Am I the only one who sees a possible problem here?


There is an explosion of “How-to, “D-I-Y” video available now. Towards that end, a buddy of mine (Virgo) makes a living going in and cleaning up homeowners’ messes. “It looked so easy on the video, I thought I could just do this myself.”

He hates those calls, but he also loves them. Perfect example: ceiling fan. A mutual friend was installing a ceiling fan, I suggested he just call that Virgo guy. “No, I got this, I saw the video.” The Virgo would’ve done if for, say, $50, taken him half an hour. In and out, sweet. However, now that there are ceiling fan parts, brackets, the electricity for the house is off, and it’s heating up to a broiling point, the price doubles. Trebles. First, we have to figure out what the Libra did wrong, then get the parts, maybe have to order a broken one, or fetch it at the hardware store. Then it’s a matter of assembly, only after repairing the damage done by the owner’s first, ham-fisted attempt. See where this is going? If you know how to do it, then do it. However, if this is new skill set, or previously unlearned set of skills, if the required task is above your Libra pay grade? Just pay the guy upfront. Much easier. I enjoy the videos, as well, I just learned what I can, and can’t do.

Respect the limits — Libra limits — at and through the end of the month of July.


Ran into an old buddy not long ago, hadn’t seen him in years. He runs a successful company doing interesting renovations. Splits him time between Austin and other far-flung, exotic destinations. We greet, then he asks me if Mercury is Retrograde. Almost the first thing out of his mouth. I had a reputation, back then, as harping and concentrating on that one aspect, dictating when — and when not — to do certain action. The gulf of years between us, and what his primary take-away, his foremost recollection of me?

Mercury is Retrograde. In part, that’s why I compiled notes about Mercury in Retrograde, and, in part, it is the easiest definable planetary action that gets an obvious reaction. Everyone has a “Mercury Retrograde” tale of woe and despair. Still, almost the first thing out of his mouth? For Scorpio, this most recent mercurial period has softened greatly in the last moments of this week.

This week, next week, the pain and suffering should be gone. The underlying issue is still there. Be aware of that. Reason I use this as symbolism? Isn’t it obvious? It’s the easiest material to replicate in the real world.


In a certain trailer park, in old East Austin, I had a next door neighbor who studies advanced physics at the post-grad level. Astrophysics. In other words? He really is a rocket scientist. Who says the nerds don’t get the girls? He did quite all right. So, after being around him for a few years, I then heard the expression, in all earnestness, “It’s not rocket surgery!” Made me wonder, but that was quickly followed by, “You know, it’s not brain science.” Clearly, this is a malapropism, or a dyslexia (inspired) word misuse.

“It’s not rocket surgery, you know, it’s not brain science!”

If you’ve talked to me professionally in the last years, I’ll use this very expression. Thought, though, that it is worthy of trotting out now — in light of the way things are currently going. Mercury is passed their point of no return, and we’re all almost out of the retrograde period, at least, the worst, most observable part of the cycle. Still have a bit of a shadow for a few more days, but that interplay with words, taking an old expression and running it through a verbal blender to get a new expression?

Wait, what did you say?

That’s the response we’re looking for at this time.

Seriously, this isn’t, you know, “brain science.”

Mercury is still “sort of” retrograde. Intentional misplacement of words can help.


In a sea of chaos, I tend to be an oasis of normalcy.

“Been around family, huh.”

Not exactly a rocket-surgery observation, and yes, I’ve been around family, and after being around family, the standard commentary?

“Yeah, Kramer is the most normal one.”

Consider the source then consider what is being compared to what. Or who is being compared to whom. With the way this week shakes out? You feel like me, that, “Oasis of normalcy in a sea of chaos.” My simple observation, this is about what elements are used to make the comparison, and that’s a good way to help make it through the next few days. What two items do you compare, or, in this example, what two people do you — your Capricorn self — get compared to?

Another old joke, why I liked dating Gemini? Stand my lazy, laconic, Sagittarius self next to one of them, and I look coherent. So we’re back to the what gets compared to whom question. In my own family? “I’m an oasis of normalcy in a sea of chaos.” Two pieces of data to take with, no, three, no, two. One is being, “In a sea of chaos I am an oasis of normalcy.” A second, subservient point, it’s about who you compare yourself to. Capricon: who are you comparing yourself to, and is that valid comparison?



I used to do all these “permission readings,” and I did a lot, early on. Not so much anymore because I believe the planets lend energy in particular directions, but as a humans with souls, we get to make our own choices about how we act then react to certain pressures. So this isn’t permission to do something that is substantially outside of your native, Aquarius social and societal parameters. This isn’t about breaking natural, or unnatural, laws.

However, it is permission of one sort, to go ahead and test those boundaries. Test the limits. See if the ten-pound test fishing line will really hold ten pounds. Not long ago, I managed to catch a rather large fish (over-size black drum) on some older fishing line I’d picked up on sale. The fishing line claimed to be “salt water line,” and the packaging, it suggested 15-pound limit. Horsing that fish into the boat, though, he (she) weighed well over that limit for the line. In part, this is my skill as a fisherman. In part, though, this is luck. In part, this is about how that line is rated, and it can take 15 lbs. of pressure, before reaching a breaking point. I suppose, if I had lifted that behemoth out of the bay’s water with the line, it might’ve broken. That’s an example of pushing limits, but staying within the guidelines. Or, it’s an example — for Aquarius — that shows how win this week.


While a fresh start is always a wonderful idea, still in throes of the most recent mercurial synodic period, maybe not so much. In other words, as much as we would all like to start with a clean white board and a new package of the dry-erase markers, all pretty colors and that special aroma they all have? As much as a fresh start would be nice?

Next month? Maybe. This month? Not so much. Been a long, hot, drawn-out July, and that’s just been made all that much worse by Mercury and its heat, its hot action, this summer. Until the end of this calendar month, until the end of the month of July, 2019? Wait. Wait it out. For me, I’ll grab a big glass of unsweet ice tea, watch the glass sweat, and sip on the cool, refreshing beverage, the slightly metallic taste to the tea, not sweet, and think.

Watch. Wait. Soon. How soon?

After the end of this month.


Overheard? “Dad, can I get two things instead of just one?” Last I heard of the conversation, but sounded familiar, as it was an Aries child pushing the limits of his boundaries. Her boundaries. Not going to say, but the limits are there. If it were me? I’m not much of either a role model or a good disciplinarian in the face adversity and nothing speaks to adversity more than a wee one with want in his or her eyes.

Ask me? “Yes, yes you can get two. I know I said only one, but yes, two is fine.” When to argue. When not to argue. When to give in to temptation. When to let the little ones win a battle. For me, I don’t know about that one dad, but for me, I tend to see this as a tactical situation. I planned to buy at least two, maybe three. I set the first limit at one because I knew there would be further discussion, emendations, ramifications, and justification. Why we need two instead of just one. Sometimes, the kids win. At least, they think they won. “Dad, can I get two instead of just one?” Of course you can. Plan accordingly.


Two spices that I like in my coffee, ok, three spices that I can enjoy as part of “Bad coffee becomes good?” Cardamon, Cinnamon, and Mexican Vanilla. Any one of those spices can take mediocre coffee, bland, store-bought grind, and any one of those spices can perk it up. The trick? Just use a smidgen. A touch, a dollop, a single serving, a tiny amount, and as a cook? Rather, as a cook who never measures? I can’t say how much, but it is a small amount. Not much at all. I have gone the wrong way and used too much.

The results were less than satisfactory.

Basically, Mercury is going to make you think, “A dash of Cardamon would perk this up,” then you upend an expensive amount of rare spice, overpowering the coffee, and leaving a mess in the kitchen, leaving a bad taste in your mouth, and leaving you with a distinct scowl. I warned you. Just dash. The tiniest amount? The way Mercury works in this position? Oops! Too much spice! Too much?

Yeah, a little too much.

Pick one and only use a little. A pinch. Less than a pinch, just a dash, no, that’s still too much, shake a little into your palm and then see how much to put in.


Carrots. They lied. Carrots? Little, orange crunchy things, allegedly a healthy food. In a previous life, I would blend up carrot juice with vanilla yogurt, called a Bugs Bunny, delicious, semi-healthy drink.

Like Carrot Cake, “It’s got carrots, so it’s like a vegetable? Right?”

Sure, whatever works. I was grabbing convenient, healthy-appearing fast-food, some kind of sandwich-like selection with an assortment of fruits and veggies. When I ripped open the package, though, there was about half of a sandwich, two apple slices, and this was on a bed of baby carrots. Carrots who had been ripped up from their earthly home, denuded of skin, washed, sanitized, spun dry, probably soaked in a burning, chemical bath, tortured, and then left as the bed for my lunch-like experience.

The package advertised something like “25 g. of protein.” I figured it was from the iron and minerals in the sandwich bread. Nope, all carrots.

They lied.

Most of those carrots are now in compost pit, although, they don’t seem to be composting as quick as anything else. Even the vermin and nature’s rot won’t touch them. See? It’s not me. This is a message about packaging. It was packaged as a healthy alternative, and true to form, if we factor in the carrots? I’ll bet it was healthy. But the way it was displayed? No carrots were visible.

They lied. Or, because Mercury is retrograde? Did I just not look closely, or read the ingredients? What does that mean for Gemini?


My horoscopes have varied in length. In its original form, I was contracted to provide horoscopes that were “75-100 words per sign” for all 12 signs. After a personal, deeply spiritual crisis and subsequent redemption, my written horoscopes tended towards nearly twice that original length. In part, I can attribute this to the hasty nature of the work, if I had more time, I could write shorter horoscopes. In part, I just let the needs of the planets and the energies contained therein define what I should write, with there being no “target” length or some magical number I have to arrive at.

Which means, I won’t fit into a convenient box.

Hey, you suspected this all along!

I’m not going to fit in an easy container. You want to. You won’t. Not this week, and maybe not next week, either. Not going to fit you into a simple container that confines, contracts, and otherwise cuts off the flow of blood, or that creative juice, or even just your “chi.” Instead of forcing yourself into this container? Realize one size will not fit this week. You can work with that, right? Don’t have to be exactly what everyone else expects?

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About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in a trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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